Loser by default, Loner by choice

I’m not even going to lie, I’m a loser. I’m uninteresting (even though I’d like to think I’m somewhat interesting). I’m pretty/average looking. I’m really nothing special. I usually go to the library during lunch because I hate my school’s cafeteria (and to do homework). But this week, the library is closed for some testing, so I’ve been in the lunchroom, eating lunch by myself and doing homework. I did it for the first few days of school before I started going to the library.

I eat lunch alone by choice. I could easily find a group of acquaintances and subject myself (and them) to feeling awkward. My past experiences of sitting with people in my high school education have not been pleasant. I either didn’t have much in common with the people I sat with or they were totally ignorant and talked about their extracurricular activities (which I was not a part of; refer to last year’s posts) and basically ignored me. So this year, I’ve just decided to sit by myself when the library isn’t open. At my school, if you sit alone, you’re seen as pathetic and you don’t have any friends. It doesn’t matter that much to me though. I am a loser lol. But I could do without the pity and weird stares.

I wonder how people see me. Do they think I’m intimidating? Mysterious? Pathetic? If anything, I think they see me as strange because I’m usually always by myself. I walk to all my classes by myself and I eat lunch by myself. Of course I talk to people in my classes. I don’t really consider myself a shy person, just a quiet one. I’m really just a loner. It’d be nice if I had some things in common (and of actual importance) to talk about with my peers, other than classes and test scores and whatnot. The truth of the matter is, and I wish I don’t sound so arrogant when I say this, I’m just more mature than a lot of them. Which, I guess, makes me boring. Yeah, not much happens in my life.

I didn’t do my Pre-Calc homework yesterday, just like I predicted. I’m not going to do tonight’s either. I have a lovely Anatomy & Physiology packet waiting for me though. Today feels like a Friday even though it isn’t. I’m ready for Friday. I bought Hot Fries and Arizona Green Tea on Monday and I’ve been waiting all week so I can eat the chips and drink the tea while watching Psych, starting from Season 1! Hot Fries + Arizona Green Tea is kind of my thing, nom nom nom. The chips are just sitting in my room, tempting me to tear it open and eat it already. Soon…soon.

But sometimes I wonder if I’m just kidding myself. That I’m a loser because I don’t fit in, even after trying so hard. That I’m not really a loner by choice. That it just happened and I came to accept it.

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