These thoughts will be the death of me

I expect too much. Out of situations, out of people…everything. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes.

There’s this rather notorious guy at my school and let’s call him LK. I found out about him towards the end of Sophomore year because of some of my friends who think he’s just the hottest thing on the planet (cough…which he is). And thanks to *some* Facebook stalking, I found out even more about him than I ever thought/hoped I would. I’ve had my FB deactivated for a while now. I give in to my urges every now and then and reactivate it, but quickly deactivate it after. But for the most part, it stays deactivated -to prevent me from building up on the stalker tendencies lol.

Anyway, the first time I actually encountered LK was at Walmart, a few days before school started. I was getting school supplies but was in the nail polish section at that time. I heard some girl yelling so I looked up to see a guy running somewhere. It was LK. We made eye contact for like 5 seconds. I was really surprised and extremely happy because of that, but it was also extremely random. Ever since then, I’ve been having random encounters with LK which consist of lots of eye contact. Before I got a schedule change about a month ago, I used to see him at least once a day. Now I’m lucky if I even see him once a week. I think I’ve been expecting to see him too much this week, which is probably why I haven’t see him. I try to comfort myself with the thought that maybe he got in some kind of trouble, as bad that sounds lol.

I don’t know why I’m so fixed on him. His reputation isn’t exactly the greatest. He’s a senior (forgot to mention that) and I’m just awkward. I can’t imagine myself in a relationship at all. Like, who the heck would actually like me and want to be with me? Lol, no. I don’t want to be in a relationship in high school anyway. But I always daydream about me and LK having some kind of fling, or attachment. Sigh, I’m completely infatuated with a guy I don’t even know that well. After the Walmart episode, I kept trying to tell myself that I didn’t have a crush on him and that I just thought he was really hot. Well, there’s not point in denying the truth now. I just need to let go of him, of these silly fantasies, because it’s never going to work out. I am massively inexperienced about this kind of stuff, but ‘experienced’ at the same time, if that makes any sense. I’ve always thought about making the first move, but I quickly douse that thought with kerosene and light it on fire.

I don’t usually ‘lose my head’ over guys. This infatuation is kind of surprising to me. I had a dream about him yesterday, which is what I think spurred all this on. That dream made me feel too happy. It gave me too much hope. I think it’ll be good that I don’t see him anymore. I’ll just have to get over him, however long that might take. I do think I’ll get over him in time…that is if I don’t see him at all. God knows that the slightest glance of him will bring me back to square one again.

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