I’m tired. So tired. So very tired.
I’m tired of this place. I’m tired of feeling like an outsider. I’m tired of going through the motions. I’m tired of people saying that “it’s ok to not know what you want to do in life!!!11!” I’m tired of college. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of my family. I’m tired of trying to meet my family’s expectations. I’m tired of my family not understanding. I’m tired of the college system. I’m tired of my classes. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of my never-ending pity party. I’m tired of being tired.
I’m not suicidal, by the way. Is that something a suicidal person would say? Hmm. I’m really not though. I’m just feeling like a very old person stuck in a young person’s body. A very old person who’s so…done with life. College is the best time of your life they say. Maybe I’m going about it all wrong. Sometimes I just want to spend all my time in my room. Other times, it’s almost stifling in here. I just want to get out of here, do my own thing. Where would I go? What would I take with me? How would I survive?
When I was younger, I truly believed I was destined for extraordinary things. I really thought I would have a huge impact in the world someday. Make a lot of money. Be famous for something worthwhile. Save a lot of lives. Discover a cure for something. Inspire hope in people. Now as I sit here in my ratty hoodie and sweatpants, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am not destined for great things. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want babies. I will more than likely end up alone with a dog for company. I like dogs. I’ve already started picking out names in my head for my future companion.
Some days I’m a pathetic mess, breaking out in tears for no good reason at all, sitting in my darkened room, my face illuminated by my laptop screen, wondering how the fuck I’m going to make it another 3 years here, or life in general. Other days it’s like the sob fest and existential crisis the night before never happened. I’m too young to be feeling like this. Too young to be this tired.