Time goes by too fast. But in this case, it’s a good thing because I want it to be summer already. School drains me. I hate school. The schoolwork, the homework, the people. I’m just really tired of it all.
I took a Bio test today. I sat there thinking, when is knowing that Cnidarians have a gastrovascular cavity digestive system ever going to help me in life? That’s right, it isn’t. When is half the crap we learn in school ever going to help us in life? It’s not. No one is going to stop me on the street one day, put a gun to my head and ask me “Quick, tell me what is 75467 divided by the cosine of 157, or else you’re going to die.” Oh and it’s no surprise I made a 76 on the Bio test.
Sometimes I feel like giving up. I used to be so proud of myself, being in all these advanced classes. But now it’s like, ‘Hey, anyone could be in an advanced class if they tried and really put their mind to it.’ What’s so special about being in advanced classes anyway? Oh that’s right! You get to go at a faster rate, learn more crap and take quizzes and tests every 5 minutes. Even if I rant and piss and moan about school, I’m still going to get off this computer and start doing my homework, which isn’t going to help me in life either.
And people definitely don’t make all of this better. It amazes me how people can be so ignorant, so selfish, rude and obnoxious to other people and teachers, but they would never act like this to their parents. But some would. There are just some people that as soon as I see them, I feel annoyed/pissed off. People, people, people. I’ve kind of given up hope on people. It seems that as the older I get, the worse it becomes. Of course, no one is going to stay the same forever, but how could someone change so drastically? Not everyone is rude or selfish and obnoxious, but that is the majority of people at my school. I’d like to think I’m not rude and obnoxious. Maybe sometimes I can be a little rude, obnoxious and selfish, but it’s not my personality. There are just some people who just have that kind of personality. I would really love to meet someone one day, that someone who just gives me a little bit more hope about this world.
I will admit, I have different sides of me. Some of my friends see me as funny and weird (in a good way they say?). Some of my friends see me as logical and cool. People who don’t know me (aka people that I don’t like/who annoy me) see me as cold and serious and quiet. “Why don’t you ever talk?” “Why are you so quiet?” Why should I have to talk to people I don’t like? Should I have to be loud and obnoxious like you? Give me a break and go back to your self centered world. I’m not the kind of person who flips people off and says like 10 cuss words in one sentence alone. So, I guess in their world it makes me different.
I have friends. I can be happy sometimes. I don’t feel the need to have a best friend. I couldn’t share my feelings with another person if I tried. I don’t really talk to my parents about my feelings either. “How was school?” “Good.” “Okay.” I’m not super close with any of my friends. At one point, I thought having a best friend meant everything. But that was in elementary school. It was 5th grade that my ‘best friend’ and I suddenly weren’t so close anymore. When I entered middle school, I think that’s when my view of the world really started to change, even if it was only a little and I didn’t really notice it. I wanted to be popular when I was in 6th grade. What kid didn’t? But it was apparent that I wasn’t anything like those popular kids. I didn’t wear Abercrombie or Hollister (still don’t, they’re not even real clothes to me), I didn’t have a boyfriend (yes, people had bfs/gfs in 6th grade), and I didn’t cuss AT ALL. But since I wanted to be popular, I did, because it was ‘cool.’ It’s not so cool anymore. I don’t a give a flying monkey’s anchor about being popular anymore. People that say cuss words in every sentence, they just come off to me as unintelligent because they can’t find other words to use. People that use gay or retarded as derogatory words; I think the same about them too. Gay, retarded, %^&$, blah, blah, blah. ‘Hey, find some other words to use, then maybe I’ll see you as someone I can actually dignify a response to.’
I guess I have those people to thank. The ones who made me realize, “Hey, I don’t want to be anything like you.”
Anyway, regardless of everything on this post, I’m not suicidal or depressed. I’m not one of those weird kids who might suddenly snap one day haha. I’m just frustrated and sad and maybe even a little bit cynical. Cynical about school. Cynical about people. Cynical about the world. I’d like to be one of those people who, in despite of everything cruel and grim about the world, they still have some hope. But I’m not.